| The end is near |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|06:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
As most of you know... My uncle is very sick with cancer (lit. everywhere) and he was just admitted into the hospital. It really hurts to see him in so much pain, he went back in saturday and I didn't find out until today, how much does that suck? No one wanted to tell me that he was back in the hospital... I feel...lost, for lack of a better term, lonely, empty. GOD DAMN IT I NEED AN F-ING HUG! *sigh* I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss, the end of my wits end if you will... I just want someone that I know that I can trust... I'm not sure which of my friends I can trust anymore. Even those that I call my best friends, I don't feel like they even care anymore, and the more that I look around the more I think that no one really cares. They all just smile and nod, thinking that I'm a complete blonde, thinking that I'm just a stupid little girl. Well I'm not, there is more to me and no one cares to look and see it, not even my so called best friends try to see the real me. They just think that they know me but they don't... No one has tried to see the real me ever, they think that what I give them is what they gat, they don't know that there is so much more, they don't know just how much I feel. Sure I may seem all cold and heartless on the outside, but I'm really not, it's really easy to hurt me, I have zero self esteem, but I don't care about what I'm feeling most of the time. I usually just push it aside because I want to help my friends, I feel that they are more important at that time. I will push anything aside for any of my friends, and my friends say that they will do the same but they don't. They say that they will do something then they think about it and they dont do it, or they forget. WELL THANKS A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT GUYS!!! And no one ever realizes how much it hurts me...
Well that's all for today... I need to I don't know do something... Get out... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|04:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
IT RAINED TODAY!!!!
*sigh* I love rainy days... So yeah i'm a BFFL pimp now... lol... which means that i have a lot of BFFLs. I think that it's funny really. But anyway, I've been in a bad mood for the last few days and I think that I figured out why... My uncle Ira is getting worse by the day and things with my cousin aren't going so well... I just dont know what's going on anymore, I'm much more tired then I usually am, I don't sleep well at night and I don't eat as much as I usually do (not that I couldn't stand to lose a few pounds) but things just aren't like they were... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|04:46 pm] |
A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage. The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholisim is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshiped Satan. A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.
If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness.
This is the shit that really pisses me off... I mean what the hell... who does that?! I'm all for equal rights and all that jazz, i dont like it when people do that to other people... i mean come on they have feelings too, they arent abnormal or anything like that, they are normal human beings. I would so walk ouot of that class and get that teachers lard ass FIRED! I don't do that shit... God that pisses me off |
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| life sucks! |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|04:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
okay so here's how it goes as of now... My uncle Ira has cancer EVERYWHERE (and i mean it people) Everywhere, he wont maek it x-mas at this rate is what the doctors r telling us... WELL IF YOU HAD BLOODY FOUND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE HE WOULDN'T BE DYING NOW WOULD HE?! Then I also found out that my aunt Sue might have cancer AGAIN, this time in her lung. My cousin Jessi might not be able to have kids because of some weird problem and to top it all off I like someone that already has a girlfriend... I've like the guy since 9th grade, you would think that I would have been able to tell him by now... Nope still can't....
*sigh* Life sucks big hairy lice infected monkey balls |
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| I'M BACK!!!!! |
[Aug. 6th, 2005|08:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
I'm back from my vacation. Oh my God Bar Harbor is beautiful. When we were out and about I had loads of fun, though going on that nature walk around Jordon Pond wasn't a good idea. See no one told me that we were going to be taking this walk, all they told me was, beach and lunch, which to me means: flip flops, shorts, bathing suit, and a tank top. That's it, no sneakers to climb with, no nothing. So we get to Jordon Pond and we have lunch, and let me say, they give you so much food that there is no way that you go home hungry. So after lunch Doug (he's dad of the other family we were camping with)was like "let's walk around Jordon Pond!" Everyone else was like "yeah let's do it!" all excited like and I was like "...okay...how is this going to work?" He had said that they had made a trail out of fallen trees to make it easier to walk and to make sure that no one destroyed the area and blah blah blah. So I figured that it would be okay to go in flip flops, I'd just have to be careful. Now when have any of you known me to be careful? That's right, never, so I'm walking along this path and suddenly the tree path stops and you have to climb up a bunch of rocks. My mind just went "oh shit I'm dead" but I start to climb it anyway, stupid move, sarah, stupid move. I slip on one of the smoother rocks, get a pretty nasty cute in my toe, now it didn't look to bad at first, but when it bled thru 3 band aids... that's when I knew it wasn't a small little cut. But anyway I also smashed my right knee (the toe had been on the left foot), the one that I've always had problems with, on a near by rock. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper, but I continued, the rest of our party made fun of me, which was a wrong move, because I also have my period, now for those of you that know me well enough, you don't want to mess with me when I have my period. So finally just screamed at all of them and walked away up the path, ignoring the burn in my toe and knee. I didn't want to listen to them anymore, okay I got it I should have worn better shoes BUT IF THEY HAD TOLD ME WE WERE GOING TO DO THIS THEN I WOULD HAVE SO ITS THEIR FREAKIN FAULT! Anyway... We made it back i cleaned my wound and got something to hold my knee, which still hurts today and we went on that walk Thursday I think, I'm not too sure. But other then that and seeing and hearing a few things that I never want to see or hear again, it was a great vacation and we're going to see if we can go back next year. I just need to make sure that I'm able to bring someone this year because I was so bored when we were at the campground that it wasn't even funny. I think that my mom came close to shooting me that's how bad it got.
On to a different subject, Bill is turning 40! That's just a wow for me because he's never seemed that old. Bill, for all you people that don't know him or about him, is the guy that runs the haunted house that I work in every year. He's more like a kid then an adult, which makes things a lot more fun for us kids that work with him. I'm all excited to be invited to his party :) I can't wait to go. It's thanks to him that I was able to meet most of the friends that I have today, because most of the people who work at the haunt are people that I prolly wouldn't have talked to in school or anything. I've met a lot of great people, 2 of my exs, and people that are just all around cool. It's a shame that we're prolly not doing it this year tho because TYNGSBORO SUCKS BIG FAT HAIRY LICE INFECTED MONKEY BALLS! They kicked us out last year so we had to work with a dinky haunt, If I had to work there again I would jump off a bridge, but this year we can't find a place that will take us because we can't do it out of his house anymore (tear). Ah the memories... I made a little kid piss his pants, and a lady have nightmares (innocent smile) I also got punched in the face because I scared a guy, that was fun, but I mean none of us get paid to do it, but to be able to do it is like getting paid. We have a blast and it gives us all something to look forward to every year. My friend James and I want to open a haunted house of our own when we're older. See now James is one of the people that I would never have talked to in school, but then he came to the haunt and now we're best friends. It's great how things like this work out. We're trying to find a place to have the haunt this year but things aren't working out. |
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| So here is my little rant for the day |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|01:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cry to the Wind (Hyde) | ] |
Okay... I just need to get this out... Don't get me worng I love the two people I'm about to vent about more then anything but...
Okay first is going to be Kelly... I love her to death we've been best friends for 11 years, but she's scaring the shit out of me... She really likes this guy Raff but doesn't know if he's raped anyone cuz she heard that he had (shouldnt this have set off little red flags?!) Anyway so she keeps telling me about how she hangs out with him and all this shit even tho he has a gf (another red flag?!) and i asked her "how would u feel if it were u?" and she just said that she would be pissed but his gf had already broken up with him before. and i said that that didnt matter and that she shouldnt let things get out of hand like they were doing and she said that they werent but everything that she had told me led me to believe that it was getting out of hand. So now she tells me that she goes to her friends house every so often just to get drunk, which isnt bad cuz at least they arent driving after, but Raff is going to be there and she doesnt know how far she would go with him if she ever got drunk around him. (YET ANOTHER FREAKIN RED FLAG!) now im telling her to just lay off and not do anything cuz it would cause a bunch of problems and she doesnt knwo if he actually likes her or if he just wants to get in her pants (my vote is for the just getting into her pants) and i dont know what to do... she's not doing anything to think about the future and at this rate she's going to get herself pregnant even tho she;s still a virgin, but i dont trust her to not do anything....
Now onto my next rant... Jeanne, I love her to death she's been there for me and I've been there for her... But she drives me nuts sometimes! I mean she never wants to come to my house but when i ask to go to hers she's all for it... I had invited her to go camping with me this weekend, we'll be gone for sat to sat and she said she would ask her mum and get back to me... Okay fine nothing to worry about... Then she said that she wasnt sure and went to Maine for the weekend, once again no problem, now the problem is that she's going to be there all week... WHAT?! ALL WEEK! she didnt tell me this i called her on tuesday the day she was supposed to come home and her sister said that she wasnt coming back that she was gone all week. Now if she really didnt want to go then she shouldnt have said she would ask her mom, she should have just told me so that i could have found someone else to go with, now i have to pay my mum for the extra person cuz i dont htink that she;s going cuz i dont know when she's going to be back...
I should just learn that friends give me stress and to not listen to people...
(sigh) I need to do something about this stress... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Okay, I'm not supposed to talk about this because my mum doesn't want anything to blow up but I need to.
A while ago my aunt started seeing this guy named Ken. I was happy for her, she found a guy that was going to treat her good. But then Ken wanted to move out. now Sue and Ken live next door, if they sell their half of the house, because of the way everything works, we would have to sell ours. We don't have enough money to buy our half back or their half either and my mum doesnt want to live next to complete strangers because of the day care and us kids. So we asked Sue and Ken for 2 more years, that way I could finish off high school and graduate with all my friends. Sue said sure, Ken said No, so Sue wanted to go with what Ken said. After much talking and me threatening to rip off Ken's balls they agreed to wait out the 2 years.
But now they don't want to put any work into the house and our water system is starting to fail. My mum is also doing something with the mortage and she needed Sue's exhusband to sign off on it. Sue didn't get him to do that. "oh..." She said "I didn't know that he needed to do that" WE BLOODY TOLD YOU HE NEEDED TO DO THAT YOU TWIT! Anyway, now it looks like we're going to have to sell the house.
That's not the worst part you see... The worst part is that we'd be moving at least 3 maybe 4 hours away from here, which is where our family and our friends are. My mother says that I'm a drama queen for not wanting to move, but hell, our lives are here. I'm not saying that I couldnt make more friends but I dont want to move Junior year of high school and not know anyone.
See ever since we moved here we had moved about everyother year, never staying in one spot for too long. Then when we moved here I thought it was permanant, so I made long lasting friends, which i had never done before, save Kelly. Now 6 years later to just be torn out of that hurts a lot. I'm angry at Sue for fing things up and i'm hurt that not only would she do this to us but that i have to leave my friends. |
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| IT'S RAINING! |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coming closer (Hyde) | ] |
It's raining! (sigh) I love the rain, and thunder and lightening. I don't know what it is about all three of those but they just make me all wired and hyped up. I love to just sit out front and watch a storm roll by.
I went to visit my aunt Renee with my nana today. Baby Grace is doing good. At one month (which was on the 24th) she rolled onto her back. She's not supposed to do that for another few months... I also got to thinking today how time flies by. I mean i can remember when i was just moving into this house and now i'm 16 and about to be a junior in high school...It's a scary thought...
Well have a beautiful rainy day!!! |
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| Oh my god I'm BORED! |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|06:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
I have nothing to do and it's killing me! I want to go to the mall and spend all the money I got for my birthday... But alas I have no ride bcuz I don't have a car, and I only have my permit :( Which is sad... So I figure I'll hang out in my room like the loser that I am and talk with all my friends :). I can try to go to the mall some other day, my parents wont be home this weekend so i can try then, when my nana comes to spend the night everynight. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING SOOOO BAD!!! (flops down on the floor) SOMEONE COME SAVE ME!!!! |
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| I want to clear a few things up for people |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|01:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ALL OF HYDE'S SONGS! | ] |
Okay... I've done a lot of thinking over the past few dyas. First off I would just like to say sorry to Ed for not making things easy on him, but hell, they weren't easy for me either. People think "oh she broke up with him, she's fine, oh and a bitch." Things were not fine, yes I had decided to break it off, but that doesnt mean that I felt nothing. Granted, to be completely honest, I had already started to emotionally with draw before I broke it off. I hadn't realized it back then but now that I get a chance to look back it's clear as day. Ed was getting too clingy and that's what I do with people that are like that, I back off, trying to get away. I'm an independant person, I also love my alone time, I don't do too well in big crowds of people and I don't like to feel like I'm being smothered. Which is what Ed was doing, he didn't mean to and he didn't know that that was what he was doing, he also didn't know that this was how I was going to react to it. That, folks, is why I broke up with Ed. He thinks that it's becuase I'm afraid of the future with him. Sure I got scared, I'm mean who doesn't when they start to think about the future, but he thinks that I'm obessed with it and I'm not. When we broke up I mentioned that to him kind of as a side thought, not as the main reason that we broke up, it may have sounded like that because as some of you know I have really bad ADD moments and tend to jump around when I talk. Also from reading a few of his live journal entries he thinks that he is probably the one that is goind to stop me from becoming like my mother, which is something that I am worried about. But I hate to say it, he wouldn't have been able to stop me, once again looking back I realized that I was starting to become like her, always getting annoyed with him, at times i couldnt wait for him to leave so that i could just relax. Now don't get me wrong, Ed is a good guy, and I'm not trying to rag on him or anything, that is not my intent at all, but I was just not happy by the end of it all. Anyway back to what I was saying, I also couldn't speak my mind, but most improtantly I wasn't being myself, I just couldn't be myself around him, mainly because I think that the whole of me is too much for anyone to handle, but he's more sensative then most people so i didnt want to end up hurting him when i was only joking, which i had done a few times. I don't try to put him down when we talk but we just never seem to be able to do that anymore. We're always fighting and i cant stand that, we're both still on thin ice with this whole thing right now, i have moved on faster then he has and i think that that is whats getting to us. Everytime we talk, something about what i said when we broke up gets brought in. Let me make this clear incase i hadnt earlier... I AM NOT THAT SCARED OF THE FUTURE! IT WAS ONLY A SIDE THOUGHT! I DIDN'T LIE TO HIM! THINGS CHANGE! AND SHIT DOES JUST HAPPEN PEOPLE!!! Okay now that Ive gotten that out of my system. Frankly I'm not sure what he thinks about more, the whole future comment or the fact that i like someone else now. Another thing i need to make clear... When I broke up with Ed I had said that I had wanted to stay single for a while (can somone tell me how long that is supposed to be, cuz i didnt know that there was actually a time limit on this), that i had wanted to look around, and that we were both okay to date other people. So when I went to Marks party I went just looking to have a good time, some people didnt think that i would be there because i had broken up with ed, but my friends were gonna be there so why not go and have fun? I had no idea that i would meet anyone there, none what so ever (just trying to make it clear). My whole thought for that day wsa "have a good time", it just happened to change when i saw tom to "ooo he's hot" then i just shook it off to another thought "you'd never stand a chance, not gonna happen, forget it" So I went off with Mel. It wasn't until Jeanne has shown up that I had decided that I wanted to try to go for it, i mean what's the worst that could happen, he doesnt flirt back, it's not like it would be the end of the world or anything. I honeslt didn't expect him to flirt back, it came as a shock to me. So the day went on and knowing that he lived in texas i thought that i wouldnt see him after this so i gave him my screen name and phone number, for when he was at his summer home, and figured id talk to him online or something like that. Little did i know that i would see him on Monday, wednesday and then on thursday. I'm not complaining mind you, but I didn't know that i would see him. By now everyone seemed to notice that something was going on between the two of us, everyone that is save Ed. Ed told me that it felt like I had lied to him about staying single. I was shocked, I was still single wasn't I? Just because I liked someone and I was flirting with them didn't mean that I wasn't single. I just didn't get it, so i tried to tell him what was going on. that i hadnt gone to makrs party looking to meet anyone, that i hadnt expected to like anyone either that it just happened (WHICH DOES HAPPEN). So I thought that that cleared everything up, guess i was wrong. He went to his friend from Canada and she said: "You have every right to be upset. She's being as ass. Nothing "just happens" My guess is that she just wants some close compassion so she went to the first guy she could find" That is what pissed me off... (another note, I'm not mad at Ed I'm PISSED AT HER). I mean she's making it sound like i'm a whore for crying out loud! She makes it sound like im with 20 other guys. I'm not with 20 other guys, and i dont just like tom because he was the first guy there. That is another point i would like to make. I wasn't looking for anyone to like when I went to that party, and if i was looking for "close compassion" that soon i would have gone to the mall to pick up some guy. No, I went to Marks party to hang out with my friends, I saw Tom, got a crush, flirted, he flirted back. Let me make this VERY clear to everyone, I honeslt really really like Tom. I don't just like him to get back at Ed, or because he was the first guy I could find. I like him because he's a really nice guy, and (here comes my shallow half) He's hot too boot. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him and all that but i also know that he has to go back to texas... I also want everyone to know that i dont regret going out with Ed, we had fun and he's a nice guy, but my feelings just changed as i got to know him better. I dont like that this is hurting him as much as it is and i feel really bad about it, but it's much better then me saying okay we can still go out, even though my feelings just arent what they were. I've seen girls drag on guys before, hell i've seen guys drag girls on, it's just not fair. I tried, I honestly did, but I just didnt feel it anymore. I'm sorry to have cause you all so much stress...
Sarah
Anyway... I'm not upset, im just...well yeah okay im upset, i mean it seems that when i get to get some good stuff in my life something just has to come and mess it up... it's not fair... |
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